so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
