Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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