I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
