You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
