All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
