haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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