i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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