Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
