Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
