we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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