Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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