his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
