I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
