I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
