I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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