I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
