My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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