My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
