I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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