I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
