I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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