Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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