the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My dick has a subreddit
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
