I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
