My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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