he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
