I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
