I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
