The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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