at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
