Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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