I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
