R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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