I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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