I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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