i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
