Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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