i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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