In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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