I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
