Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
