she takes plan B like it's going out of style
if i died would you start the facebook group?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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