the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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