talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
