Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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