why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
