some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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