You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
