I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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