So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Who died my cat blue again?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
