Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
When did we convert life to cartoon?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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