Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
