my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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